I wanna talk to you

While everyone of my friends are prolly enjoying Eheads' last set at MOA, I came home tonight with a heavy heart and puffy eyes. I just came from Heart Center and visited my Granpa on Mom's side, he has Buerger's Disease, inflammation of the blood vessels secondary to cigarrette smoking...
Given, my Grandpa is a smoker, well make that heavy smoker...that even if he has been suffering from stroke since the 90's, he still, yes smokes. Last week got a call from my aunt, saying he has a swollen leg, and a violet like extremity, doctor has checked him and said he is suffering from Buerger's disease, being a PT grad, told them to get a second opinion, told them ,usually people from ages 25-40's suffer from this disease, my Grandpa is 86.
I was telling them if the symptoms don't improve to have him checked here in Manila, as it is a very dangerous disease, if not controlled, will lead to blood infection or sepsis which is fatal. My Grandpa has been complaining of enormous pain, just hearing that from my uncle and aunts is truly heartbreaking.
The family decided to send him to Manila, we could'nt find an ambulance to have him travel straight to Heart Center where his doctor is situated.So late noon yesterday he was admitted to the hospital...no clue yet on what is the next step...
We recieve a call from my uncle this afternoon telling us that my Lolo will be operated, I was distraught, and puzzled, operation could mean, either, cleaning the veins, or wounds if he has, or amputation, but I didn't blurt it out on my Mom. My Mom actually asked me to accompany her to the hospital, I was hesitant, the last time I was in the hospital, around more than 5 months ago, was when I saw how my father died before my eyes. I wanted to back out but I know my Mom needs me.
So I found myself, hailing a cab with her, but I was fervently praying that it should not be something so serious, that am thinking, I think my Lolo is too old for somthing major, but am still hopeful at the back of my mind..I was still thinking there could be other way.
On the 4th floor where my Lolo is admitted, the doctor and some more doctors coming in, was checking out my Lolo, and then the head doctor, gathered us, family, and brought the news. He was drawing something on a piece of paper,to explain it further, I recognized he was drawing the main vessels of the lower extremity, he explained the possible solutions, but it gave us the clearer picture by saying the only way to stop the disease from spreading is AMPUTATION....
Oh no!I can see how my aunts and uncles reacted, my Uncle Orlie, who is a nurse, thinks, it should be done right away, my Aunt as well, and me...but on second thought, I realized, will my Lolo handle it, and will he be able to accept the ordeal? I was crying and asking why are those the things that can stop it, and why now when he is 86? I was definitely thinking and most of the time, I just cannot say anything...you want to save him, you want him to be pain free...yet after the surgery will he be able to agonize the pain of being handicap, at his time and age.
The family called my Uncle in the States, and then called my Lolo's sister in Pangasinan...we think it is best to ask them so that we can atleast ask them what's best.
This has got to be the toughest ordeal, crisis , problem we had so far as a family...but we asked the doctors to ask my Lolo, though at times, not coordinated managed to tell doctors that he will study the circumstances, when one doctor managed to tell him the worst case scenario...he said, NO way, he doesn't want to undergo the knife and deal with his disease...
Am so..sad, hurt, undefined actually, it took a lot of tests to actually pinpoint what needs to eb done next but with all due respect, the last say should we be on my Lolo.
It is heart wrenching seeing him undergo the pain...
He is 86, and i don't think he deserves more pain and agony.
He is such a good person that I actually don't want him to experience day by day with hardship...
I wanna talk to any of my friends, and I wanted to just cry out and whine and say what the heck, am not totally over with my Dad's passing and now this...
But I am not blaming God, or blaming my fate..I just want to complain, and tell how my Mom cried again after coming home, how she doesn't want to deal with my Grandpa's pain coz all the more she remembers how my Dad died last October.
How all of us in the hospital just don't wanna talk about how will he become in a few days or weeks...
How I just wanna be strong for my Mom and the family in this time of crisis.
But how weak I am really on the inside...how I burst out infront of our dog Schumi the moment I went in my room.
How, I wish I could do something to ease the pain...yet am helpless..
Am sorry for whining...

I just want to talk....to you...


Thanks, I feel a lot better...
Please pray for my Lolo...that his remaining days will be comfortable and meaningful
Love you Lolo....