Tuesday, August 16

just another cheesy entry

i just feel like, am bound nowhere, like am stucked in a box full of wat if's and watevers, like you seem not to care and mind whatever comes....or maybe am just trying to make myself realize that indeed my life, and life itself is beautiful, and that no matter what happens, life will be great in due time , till you find the one!

i am not talking bout the love that love should have...am i makin sense??? well. i just realized a lot of times i have been a nagging gf, well, i have been reviewing my pasts emails to my bf and i now realized that there were times i seem so unreasnable and so full of doubts not only to him but also to myself.

yeah, am such insecure indie when and when am not with him all those years, to think i have ventured a long distance relationship sometimes i was pretty uncerebral of some things, well most things actually, and most of the time. i seem to doubt that when he doesnt text me back that fast as much as he usually does i feel like he is texting someone, or just dating someone there and flirting, and it will really pissed me off.. and turn my goody good attitude in a self - montrous indie.

there was this one email that i wanted him out of my life that instant, coz he hasnt calle me as he promised to....and not even give him a chance to explain. an now i realize, maybe that one instance made him someone i thought he wouldnt be possibly be, because he refused to talk about it.....

sometimes i have this question on my mind why would people give justice to even what they did was so so wrong....i mean you did that because she did that, you get what i mean>>>i mean take my case for instance....he cheated on me because he told me, he was only human...he was missing me and he need someone.....i mean excuses! of all excuses...how imbecile he could get!!!! hahah am not mad, am just citing some specific examples how one person who absolutely done you wrong would try to make up and be reasonable as he could possibly be, even it meant not really understanding one's analogy.

really your one great love could be the one who could hurt you and make u mad at life and make u not believe in love at all...because you just get stucked in that box. and ever wonder, if you will find your way out, and someone, just some one might be willing to open it up and save you from this animosities.

why am i getting all crappy now? i don't know, i just got this feeling so weird that at this time and age will i meet someone, will i ever? will i ever believe that true love exists? and if it does....how will i know?

just wanna know.....


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so now you know the very reason why my ex and i didnt not end up walking down the aisle as we planned to...yeah..he damn cheated me big time, and was totally unprepared for it, not to even talk bout it...as the topic would just bring me to tears, yeah until now.....

sometimes things like this happens, and you hear about it, and you talk about it, but when you yourself experience being broken and cheated by the very person you taught respected you and loved you, you cannot help but question, why of all people you, what did you do to make him find another one and screw you, screw all your plans!

i actually don't have the slightest notion...maybe he felt that we were bound nowhere, maybe he was feeling that am just a bore, maybe he just don't care at all.

what is with his mind?what is with the cheater's mind? i just wanna know...i could have accepted it more if he told me long before I find out...yeah, and am not just sayin this, I know I will understand.

i don't have the slightest clue if he intentionally made me discover things in it's worst case scenario or maybe God intevened so that my so called- naivety will just make me realize things that hey girl...you are being punked....seriously.....hahaha!!!

long distance relationship is just so hard to understand...and more so if you're stucked in this situation where a third party is intertwining you and deliberately hurtin your innermost egos and purposely making your heart feel like your bound to a myocardial infraction.

iam sorry am rambling again of lost love, i just can't help it really, I have been keeping this to myself and trying my very best to make myself feel that amidsts all these circle of events, life indeed is beautiful...it is, but I wish people, especially people you chose to love and respect as you respect yourself give back what is essential and fair.

after my birthday, I just realized that I need to sometimes let out my hurt, my pain so that I wont be that sad, and maybe this is a start. I know a lot of you knows my whole story but still I refuse to let it all out so that he will still have the same friends as we had when we were together...but really, it's time to open it up and be truthful about all these...maybe it's really time to move on, and be free from the pain but at the same time facing the reality that we need to separate our lives in the expense of our common friends....

Iam badly beaten up by these tragic events, but I refuse to linger on it anymore....

so long my once great true love.....i know you're happy now.

and I want to be happy to......

let me be.









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