you're just so mean...

i have been having this pity party on myself lately...the fact that people around me thinks am really okay after the break-up a couple of months ago..but really am not. i know i dont have to blame everything that iam experiencing right now attributed to just him, i mean i don't want to even point fingers on him, the truth is iam just as sappy as a person experiencing the first heartbreak from the first bf. he was not my first boyfriend, but really he was the first serious relationship i had...the fact that we really talked about marriage and the future, i therefore conclude then that he was the one..he was...or so i thought.

i dunno what the hell is wrong with me, iam so great at giving advices, making sure that the person will feel alot better with my really good thoughts. i wanted to have a positive outlook, i so always want to have happy people around me, i so want everything to be just fine and that there should be no...fights or misgivings between the group iam into, and most importantly, i dont ever wanna get mad and complain or nag.

but why is that i still feel bad after all...i surmised then that evrything happened for a reason. i wanted to belive that this will just give me lessons, and in time will just laiugh about how sappy and crappy i have been dealing with the break-up. but it will be almost a year sincew he left and made me feel so unwanted and so fooled, but i couldnt still belive it has turned all this way.

i guess i have left a lot of things still on my mind that i dont even have the enough guts to just tell him and then moved on. i am just afraid that i will just waste my time telling all those, because, i asked myself a thousand times, will everything i say make sense,or will it matter?

iam so sad, that i wanted to burst crying and shout and ask a lot of questions and demand answers immedietely.

but again, i ask, what for? will it change everything...
will it change him?

ex, you're the meanest guy i have ever met...because you left, and even cheated on me...and you did not care to even talk to me bout it.... you are such a great liar....and i dont think i deserve the thing you did to me.

i mean it...you're so mean for hurtin me real bad till now.