am in pain and hurtin someone at the same time.....am bad!

I just realized now that really pain is self-inflicting. That no matter how painful or not it is, if you keep on getting back on it and dwelling on it...you cannot just move forward.
This is another sad entry, so am warning you, I don't want you to be sad and be sorry bout me, my life and be in misery.
Why am I blogging this way the past few days??? Am I in pain after all these months? Yes, Iam. and most of the time, Iam still in denial, I keep laughing and laughing, and going out, and having a good time, but at the end of the day, and when I am all alone in my room, I cry myself and wonder, will I ever be that happy, the same old Dyanne that Iam?
Most of the time, I am just so casual about certain things, I know, and my friends know that I have a vast issues in my life, and I refuse to dwell on negativity. I hate those stuffs, so usually I don't think ill of another person and their monstrous character, if ever. So usually, Iam jaded, and it has been a cycle being on a relationship.
So, it has came out, am still not over the past...yeah Iam, it has completely made me so naive about life's reality...about how your great love would be the very person who would be most likely to hurt you and leave you with just, duh. sorry.
But I can say Iam over him, really I know that in time I will forget and really move on. But this time, this moment, I just wanna burst out and really tell the world how stupid Iam for not really knowing earlier that he doesn't love me...that he completely made a fool of myself, that he left me hanging...loose ends still and now am still full of questions....and it just pains me day by day by day by day. Iam not even sure if I am gonna love again, if I will trust that much again, if I will live by the same ideas as before when I haven't been through all of these.
Maybe this is the very reason why am having these sentiments up till now....he did not make me realize that he is capable of hurtin me that much...and now am hurtin someone's heart by also pretending that I do care bout him, but I don't.
This is such a sad reality, and one of many ironies in life you wish you are not into. But am in that position right now. Pretending to be happy, when in fact am really not. Trying to make people laugh and enjoy laugh when me myself am not enjoying and is really crying and bursting on the inside. Pretending that I love someone as much as I loved him....not really am so numb to really love again.
Again, one of my great confessions to date...Iam seeing (seeing??) not really, I have been involved with someone right now but not that serious, but he has no idea that Iam just faking my I love you's and my sweet nothing eversince day one.
Yeah I know, am such a bad person....bad enough to even try to pretend loving himback as much as he loves me...as he told me.Iam not playing games, maybe testing the waters, but its so unfair on my part.
I tried to make him realize my true colors and makin him realize that am not worthy of his so called-love for me, but I was afraid when he freaked out.....and cried his heart out.

I wanna end my joke.
Turns out the joke was on me.