ALL ABOUT G

yesterday went online and was kinda bored until G went online. Now G for your information was my very first boyfriend, and we kinda parted really bad. Well that is in my case, because he was the one who broke up with me, and it's all because of his insecurity. Yes, he was very insecure. I could have undestood if I was the kind of gf who is so demanding and wants a lot of things he cannot offer. But really Iam not. Iam not the type of gf who wants to be treated in a posh restaurant, be given expensive gifts, be flattered with flowers everyday of her life from his significant other. Of course I would like to be treated that way once in a while, I would love to have someone who is so sweet and all, but if he cannott afford it, I would understand....really.


G and I had a nice time together the time we were on. Although most of the time it was a long distance relationship, and we just stay connected through text and call. But he never heard a thing from me, of course there are occasional complaints but I tried so hard to really understand him. That time, he has this issue that my life is better than his, even though I was job less and all, my parents understood, and were very good providers, but on his case, he is the eldest and should help his family. I understood him, I was trying to help him in ways I can. I thought he understood me, until he just told me that we should go on separate lives as he thinks, that is the best for us. It hurt me so much coz he decided for the both of us, WITHOUT EVEN TALKING ABOUT US FIRST. I thought we were just doing fine, and we dont have much of a problem, but it was so shocking to hear from him that he doesnt want the relationshp anymore, a day after we celebrated our third month together. Was really devastated!

G was my very first boyfriend, and I thought he was the one. I loved him so much. But I did not realized it right away....we were so good friends for over a year, until he told me he loved me....prior to that I can sense that he actually does feel something bout me, more than a friendship kinda thing, but I was just so afraid to venture on that another level... So as much as I can, I don't like to even initiate that I know and feel something.

Until I had a trip in General Santos City and he was texting me almost every hour, and he missed me so bad. He has proven that he loved me, and at that moment I knew that I loved him too, he was just in my thoughts always. Can't get him out of my head. He made me feel wanted, needed and loved. At that time I was at the lowest point of my life but he boosts my self confidence, he was so great at that, uplifting my spirits, and that made me loved him more, he made me feel like I was everything and that I can carry on my dreams in due time, he believed in me and saw me when nobody cares at all. He did saw me when I was invisible. And that has meant a lot to me.

What I liked about him was when he got closed to my little cousin Chants, who was then only 4. I was the one taking care of Chants and he definitely liked Chants like his own. He would talk to him on the phone and assure her that he loves me, and Chants would get jealous, and I was telling him that. But G made sure that Chants would like her too. And that was so sweet of him. We raised Chants together the time we were "together".

I thought everything was perfect except that we were not together everyday, but I liked the idea that he was a part of my life and Iam just so sure that I loved him..until he broke up for some pathetic reasons....I really don't understand, really.

For how many years, I hated him, and I did not talk to him after that...God knows, i wanted even to curse him for just leaving me that way. He was telling me that it's one of the best decisions in his life, for the both of us, and that I will soon understand him in due time. I actually thought it was unreasonable of him to think that we can't click together...he is just plainly insecure, and I want him to realize that he does not need to. I love him, and that's what matters...

And yet, he left me. And it gave me a lot of pain in the long process, it gave me a lot of reasons to hate men, and not believe in me, in a way, I honestly believe that he just lead me on, and that another guy who will pursue me, is not really that serious.....

And last night, I had the courage to ask him about all of these, it was pretty easier coz we were just chatting. I asked him if he really did loved me the time we were together, and it doesnt really matter if he admit it to me or not, I just needed to know really. And he told me " hanggang ngayon pa ba di ka pa naniniwala sa akin? I loved you in ways I know, I still remember everything, it's just I couldnt be right guy for you at that time coz we are both struggling, lalo na ako. I thought this time you understand me, hinde ako nakipaglaro sa iyo, I loved you, and it was not a joke."

I even looked at the webcam and looked if he was dead serious, and I knew he is serious, so I did not ask anything anymore. He thought Iam still with my sweety ex sweety i mean...I did not tell him that I just had a break-up because I just dont want him to think that we can try to be together or let him feel that iam single and mingling, or to that effect, and besides, he is happpily attached to her gf for more than a year, i dont want to have even a tiny bit of inkling that Iam sad or to that effect,and he is not...not really bitter just playing safe heheheh...

Actually am not bitter, Iam happy that he is doing fine in his life, working abroad, knowing what his priorities now, happy where he is at, planning ahead, and happily inlove. Maybe he is right that we are better off as friends, or to be not really together coz in a way we were both insecure at that time, and we rely so much on our feelings and not on what we can do as individuals. I just wished he explained to me those things well, I could have better understood. Maybe I'll be hurt but not as much as hurt as I was 4 years ago.

But for whatever it's worth, I just wanna thank you G for loving me those times I felt all alone, and useless,you made me feel so special the times we were together. Except the time you broke off with me though. But now I kinda understand, it is painful but I kinda believed with your reasons.

I hope you could find the hapiness you have been longing for, the kind of hapiness I could never offer you. I just hope you know that I wanted to give you the hapiness, if you only told me, but I know I tried.

I did. I know I really did try.