My life the couple of months has been so bad and unfortunate..and I frankly questioned God why am having these trials and most of the time I think I cannot take it anymore.
A day after my birthday, my brother was hospitalized due to an infected thumb, being diabetic, it was so bad that it had to be pulled off. My brother lost a part of his thumb.
It was so painful that it had to happened a day after my birthday. My mom was with him the whole time, so it was double painful....I saw how my mum got hurt that a part of my brother's thumb will be pulled out..I was just positive about things, I wanted to be strong for my mom and my brother as well. It was doubly hard pretending to be tough.
We survived though, my brother survived the battle.He got operated, was hospitalized for a week and have to be resting and the wound to be completely healed...he was scheduled for another operation and a series of tests as well in the long run.
September was an okay month....it was hard on my part....I resigned effective August 31st, due to family emergency London has to wait...I was set to leave anytime before Novemeber but I needed to fix things first before heading off...
Then the unexpected happened.
My father became ill first week of October, we got him hospitalized last Oct 14, and a few hrs after he succumbed to myocardial infarction. Much worst, I was a witness on how he died, was in his room as nurses and doctors were trying to revive him. I dunno why I have to be there and cannot do anything. I was crying without tears, hoping againts hope, called a thousand angels and the Lord to help him, make a miracle and at one point told myself this could just be a dream as a few minutes before that was trying to nap and rest since it was almost 4 when my body grew tired of waiting and agonizing what is wrong with my Tatay's health.
He was pronounced dead at 6am October 15th. My mom on the side has been hysterical, I dunno how I managed to text my aunts, called my brother to atleast make it before my Tatay expired. asked the doctor what the hell is happening, pacified my mom, looked at my dad, and talked to him speak tp him and say something to make him feel we are there and we want him to live and be with us....what's worst? I have to pull him down to the morgue with an assistant form the hospital.
I never dared tell how I felt, what I saw....I sometimes just keep quiet to be able to accept these things.But this afternoon, I went out, and met up with my former officemate and tried to be tough and not pretend this time.
I think am accepting what have been...last week I know I was in denial. and mad, I will not deny that I questioned these trials and blamed God why me, why my Dad, why my Mom needs to suffer these pains. I even texted a friend one time while my Dad was so sick that I have nothing againts trials, it's just I think I had enough.
But true enough I think I am blessed with strong people around, I thought my Mom was such a weak person, but I am wrong turns out that my Mom is tougher that I think...she was able to plan the wake and burial and we made sure all the guests are well taken care of as well. My brothers were able to be the leaders as well during these ordeals, they planned well and made sure they will be around when we are tired and weary. My Kuya Jojo has been a clown when we need to stay up during those down times,my Kuya Rex was an ever ready listener when I need ed to whine. My two sis Che and Mimi was able to do the errands when I got a bit sick during the first few days of the wake.
I could have not made it as well without my friends around, without my family around.
And this is what God is showing me...that am never alone. and that he lost Jesus before, his only begotten son, and he understands, He always understands.
I thank you Lord for sticking it out with me when I almost lose grip.
That is why am knocking again in Heaven, I wish the next trial will not be a burden but an inspiration on me being strong amidst all these.
No comments:
Post a Comment