CLOSURE????

life with you was full of drinking and smoking.

i had no sleep for weeks, looked like shit, tasted nothing but my tears...

no food. just water.

water to avoid dehydration. getting ready for another round of a breakdown.

in fact, every time this happens,

its like we relive the first time.

the first cut. the first time of our a million times of come and go's.

cry,fight,cry.

then we kiss and make up. then there it goes again.

its just like we're going around in circles.

we had so much disagreements.

from your chics down to your friends who had placed all the blame on me for breaking your heart.

for saying that i broke you and that i changed who you are.

but then i hope they'd get to read this and they'd understand why.

i've been trying to get over you since we were in 8th grade.

i tried so hard to find my knight and shining armor.

someone else to save me, to hold me with touch and to keep me with chains.

but you know what, every time i kissed someone else,

no matter how good they are or how much of a better kisser that person is,

i always end up looking for the taste of your lips.

as if i'm crazily addicted to it.

and every single day of loving and hurting,

my mouth would utter curses and bitter words.

what the heck do you want me to say?!

i was sick. i was tired. you were pulling me down. giving me invisible bruises.

i remember telling you that i've never felt so low in my entire life.

it wasn't like my boyfriend cheating on me. it was like my best friend betraying me.

it was like a slow death.

not a bullet shot through my head but a blunt sword cutting through my neck.

HURT WAS the word.

years of saying.. i'd go. i'd leave. couldn't do it those days.

there would always be something that would bring me back to you.

but i remember saying

"someday you will get hurt. not because i wanted to or not because i'm vengeful. someday you will cry because someday i have really fallen in love with someone else. don't wait for me to hurt you unintentionally".

and so then it goes... you held my hand and gave me another pile of your promises.

you saw tears falling from my eyes again.

and that time i believed you thought that i was ready for another round.

but then tears were falling because i was ready to let go.

let go of those years, 6 years.

it wasn't all bad. we were crazy about each other.

i was ready to give up my life for you.

my job that gives me hundreds of thousands in a week.

my "sexy" :)) body for i wanted to have your baby.

i thought you were the person i'd walk with to the altar.

i thought so.. or maybe i've always imagined it.

but then, my last cry wasn't about giving another chance.

it was about spreading my wings.

because the fire wasn't there anymore.

only ashes were left. and i still see them.

i still have them with me.

and then one day you asked me...

"why did it seem so easy for you to move on?"

now, i'd like to clear it up.

it wasn't easy.

it's just that every tear,

every pain

and every cut

was already a part of the process of moving on.

its been months since the last time we made love.

i guess we made it.

i guess i'm saying all of these things because i'm happy

that even if we had all the drama.

we found a way to get through it.

yes, i placed all my defenses above because this is the side of my story.

but with the talk and the fun we had the other night,

made me want to say "SORRY"

"Sorry i didn't wait for you to heal before i gave my heart to someone else".

this is just the real closure. i guess...

i'm happy now. you're happy now.

we've both set each other free.

we are now what we were really supposed to be

or what we really are fit to be.

we are now what they call friends.

by Rachel Fulange

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Just a thought....

He was in my dream last night, we were not talking for months now after the closure, he leaves messages on my ym...thinking how am doing....how am coping.

I am in my worst case scenario these days, things am not comfortable to blog about...but talked about my trusted few friends..I wanna blurt out, shout and get mad, but what is the use of venting.

I was at my best when we were together yet he gave me one of my worsts nightmare by hurting my heart real bad. why is that the very people you love will point blank hurt you unaware....

Just like that, you fell out of love,there are no more spark..and any other reason...you are just not at it...just like that?

I am just mad that I have been nice to you and you have the guts to lie and hurt me so bad.....

I know I haven't move on really.....but no matter what I do....no matter how many sorry you utter...I can never forget it......

Damn........

It was October 9th 2006 when I broke up with him after I found out he was fooling around..and I'm still..........hurt.

WTF!!!!