Feeling So Sentimental



I dont really understand myself why Iam feeling this way, I have been really down and out, especially the times Iam alone in the room and will try to sleep. The past few days has been a struggle between getting the sleep I need and the peace I need on my mind. No, it's not really bout my, ex really, okay, he is a part of those I think 'bout, need to connect with, but really it is NOT everything bout HIM!

Lately, I have been contemplating what is my ultimate purpose in life.....and really I don't have the answer....sometimes I find it hard to do things and judge for myself if I really wanna do this and that...and why. Iam completely frantic bout one move and don't really know if Iam doing the right decision. Sometimes I even think that I do one move out of instinct and let fate lead it. Yes, I know I should be thankful about everything about my life, I have a job, a family I can almost always rely to, friends who have been fair at times and can be there when you need them, MOney? I have it, but not much....but am surviving. Simply, let me put it this way, I know I have a life not much to offer, but it is enough to be thankful for, a lot will love my life Iam living, I sleep in an air conditioned room and have my own bed and 10 pillows on it, I eat and have food in the house when I am hungry, We have 4 tv sets at home and are cabled, I have enough clothes for work and leisure, I travel when I want to...but still I ask, why Iam empty?

Is this the effect of Paulo Coelho's book? I have been reading two of his books for the past 2 weeks. I have read The Alchemist, and admired how pilgrimage the life should really be. What a personal legend is, Where we as individuals knows deep down inside of us really what we want to accomplish. That when we are young knows what our personal legend is- the point where everything is clear and everything is possible, not afraid to dream and to even yearn for everything that they would like to see happen to them in their lives. And I have been thinking, I wish I am again that ideal and positive. I remember how positive I was and goal oriented when I was young....there was even a point where I really was dead set to be a doctor. In the long run, things do change, a lot of discouragement, and I have to shift things to simpler and real things. Haha, not that my being a doctor would be unreal....I just felt that I will help my parents more if I just took up a 4 or 5 year course and not that longer.... I was just afraid of too much dreaming...not that Iam a dreamer, I was at some point but...I outgrew really that positive person that Iam. Maybe because a lot of people turn me down, and I was lacking that strong person around me, another factor would be that at that time my parents don't have the enough sources to let me continue with my studies that I have to seek help from my Uncle and Aunt's when it comes to my tuition fees.

Am sure I could have been a good doctor, because it was my personal dream, long long time ago....maybe, but now am thinking....what if?

Darn, am so full of issues and it is kinda makin me mushy and lonely and empty and discontent with a lot of things and sometimes I hate it when this so called "depression mania" is again attacking me. I wouldnt get to sleep....I will always look for anyone in my phone book and try to talk to them or text as much as I can and just want some attention, and talk, not just talk, but I just need someone to really hear me out or even just to cry out loud for these fucking torments that I dont even understand why....

Crazy me!!!!! wahehehehe

Paulo Coelho! You are responsible for this so called sentimental person that Iam for the past 2 weeks....but....you kinda woke me up and asked me indirectly what I need to do now, it's just Iam not sure what it is. I better sort out what really it is....


Hah! gettin sentimental I guess.....

I just miss the good ol days where everything was ideal, now...I dunno.... I wish I could find my life's purpose, I know I have one......really the pilgrimage that life should really be....

note:
right now, am reading the book 11 minutes also by paulo coelho, and so far am lovin it.....